It has been six months since receiving my diagnosis.
PCOS.
Metabolic Dysfunction.
Your weight gain is not your fault.
Your cravings are out of your control.
Your body doesn’t function in a ‘normal’ way.
You are not to blame for your condition.
You are worthless.
You aren’t doing enough.
You will never gain control.
Everything happens for a reason.
You were never meant to be a mother.
You need to work harder.
You are not enough.
These are some of the things that have run through my mind, along with many more. In this situation, I think it is completely normal to feel and think these things, to be overwhelmed and have trouble accepting. However, to have these things voiced to you by the people you are supposed to trust for support and love is the hardest to hear. Maybe they have thought about these things, which are perfectly fine, but to physically say them is just heartless. “It’s probably all psychological”, “You don’t know until you try” or “You’re getting older now, you don’t want to be in your thirties when you have children”. Sure. These are all things that have run through my mind too. Things are never that simple though. It is not as simple as popping out a few children. Unfortunately, it is near enough impossible to survive on a single wage in this time, with the increasing cost of living and housing prices. There is nothing wrong with setting yourself up. Setting your life up so you don’t struggle, and have every opportunity to succeed. Sacrificing now, for later. We miss so much at home, nieces and nephews growing up, seeing our family, missing milestones. But we know all this already. We know that there are aspects of life that we don’t get to experience. But we probably wouldn’t get to experience a lot of these things even if we were close. We barely ever saw anyone when we were living in Victoria. People didn’t come to our house, we rarely went to theirs, and we were busy living our own lives. Something that we are doing here as well. The quality of time we spend with our families when we do see them outweighs all the time we would probably spend with them throughout the year. We are able to call, Facetime and communicate with those that want to still be involved in our lives. Distance shouldn’t change your relationship with the people. For us, this is our sacrifice, living so far away. But I can say with certainty it doesn’t feel like a huge sacrifice, because both S and I love our jobs and don’t ever feel the need to be anywhere else but here.
The hardest part about the words that get thrown at you are that you’ve already thought them hundreds of times over. Your mind has already been through this process before. When you’ve spent 45 minutes crying on your shower floor because you’re overwhelmed with the conflicting thoughts in your head. The weeks you’ve spent focusing on your exercise and eating to only have gained your weight back again in a short period of time. That one time it hurt you so much to hear that another person in your life is having their own miracle. And then the consequential feelings of guilt for the hurt you feel, because you really are happy for them. It is hard to accept that if, and when, we decide to start that chapter of our life the journey probably won’t be as straight forward as it is for so many. It takes time to process all medical diagnoses and everyone deals with them in their own way. For some, this might not feel like such a big deal, it isn’t a life threatening condition. However, it is forever. No matter what I do, I will always have this condition, and it will affect all aspects of my life. From the way my body processes food, to the way I exercise. I wake up with no energy some days, after having the most rest. It is all part of a cycle filled with varying symptoms, which I am working hard to reduce (which has been proven possible by so many).
The last six months have been packed with a myriad of emotions. There have been days I have struggled to ‘get on with it’. There are always feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing. A constant hole, an emptiness, that isn’t always easy to get past. I can honestly say that I have focused solely on my health, both mentally and physically more than ever in my life. But from all this I have learnt that I am strong. Stronger than I ever thought I possibly was. I strive to do better. I focus my energy on making myself the strongest that I can be. People will always have their opinions about just how you should manage your condition. Particularly when they don’t know anything about it. Ignorance is the cause of so many problems. It really comes back to the saying, “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all” and it is so true. Your words damage, even if you think they are coming from a good place. You never know exactly what people are going through and just how much your words can undo all their hard efforts. Placing an emphasis on their failures can only do more harm.
Beautiful North-west Queensland has stolen a piece of my heart, and I am not ready to leave it yet, nor am I certain I will ever be ready.