Month: June 2021

It has been six months since receiving my diagnosis.

PCOS.

Metabolic Dysfunction.

Your weight gain is not your fault.

Your cravings are out of your control.

Your body doesn’t function in a ‘normal’ way.  

You are not to blame for your condition.

You are worthless.

You aren’t doing enough.

You will never gain control.

Everything happens for a reason.

You were never meant to be a mother.

You need to work harder.

You are not enough.

These are some of the things that have run through my mind, along with many more.  In this situation, I think it is completely normal to feel and think these things, to be overwhelmed and have trouble accepting. However, to have these things voiced to you by the people you are supposed to trust for support and love is the hardest to hear. Maybe they have thought about these things, which are perfectly fine, but to physically say them is just heartless. “It’s probably all psychological”, “You don’t know until you try” or “You’re getting older now, you don’t want to be in your thirties when you have children”. Sure. These are all things that have run through my mind too. Things are never that simple though. It is not as simple as popping out a few children. Unfortunately, it is near enough impossible to survive on a single wage in this time, with the increasing cost of living and housing prices. There is nothing wrong with setting yourself up. Setting your life up so you don’t struggle, and have every opportunity to succeed. Sacrificing now, for later. We miss so much at home, nieces and nephews growing up, seeing our family, missing milestones. But we know all this already. We know that there are aspects of life that we don’t get to experience. But we probably wouldn’t get to experience a lot of these things even if we were close. We barely ever saw anyone when we were living in Victoria. People didn’t come to our house, we rarely went to theirs, and we were busy living our own lives. Something that we are doing here as well. The quality of time we spend with our families when we do see them outweighs all the time we would probably spend with them throughout the year. We are able to call, Facetime and communicate with those that want to still be involved in our lives. Distance shouldn’t change your relationship with the people. For us, this is our sacrifice, living so far away. But I can say with certainty it doesn’t feel like a huge sacrifice, because both S and I love our jobs and don’t ever feel the need to be anywhere else but here.

The hardest part about the words that get thrown at you are that you’ve already thought them hundreds of times over. Your mind has already been through this process before. When you’ve spent 45 minutes crying on your shower floor because you’re overwhelmed with the conflicting thoughts in your head. The weeks you’ve spent focusing on your exercise and eating to only have gained your weight back again in a short period of time. That one time it hurt you so much to hear that another person in your life is having their own miracle. And then the consequential feelings of guilt for the hurt you feel, because you really are happy for them. It is hard to accept that if, and when, we decide to start that chapter of our life the journey probably won’t be as straight forward as it is for so many. It takes time to process all medical diagnoses and everyone deals with them in their own way. For some, this might not feel like such a big deal, it isn’t a life threatening condition. However, it is forever. No matter what I do, I will always have this condition, and it will affect all aspects of my life. From the way my body processes food, to the way I exercise. I wake up with no energy some days, after having the most rest. It is all part of a cycle filled with varying symptoms, which I am working hard to reduce (which has been proven possible by so many).

The last six months have been packed with a myriad of emotions. There have been days I have struggled to ‘get on with it’. There are always feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing. A constant hole, an emptiness, that isn’t always easy to get past. I can honestly say that I have focused solely on my health, both mentally and physically more than ever in my life. But from all this I have learnt that I am strong. Stronger than I ever thought I possibly was. I strive to do better. I focus my energy on making myself the strongest that I can be. People will always have their opinions about just how you should manage your condition. Particularly when they don’t know anything about it. Ignorance is the cause of so many problems. It really comes back to the saying, “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all” and it is so true. Your words damage, even if you think they are coming from a good place. You never know exactly what people are going through and just how much your words can undo all their hard efforts. Placing an emphasis on their failures can only do more harm.

Beautiful North-west Queensland has stolen a piece of my heart, and I am not ready to leave it yet, nor am I certain I will ever be ready.

Once a year the Mums and Govies from all over the north converge on Mount Isa for 4 days of school and seminars, all designed to help out in your isolated classroom. As well as catching up with families and friends you only see once or twice a year.

It doesn’t sound like a lot, but some people have travelled over 1000 km to be there for their children. Moreover, for some, it is just too far to be feasible. The week is divided into many wonderful face-to-face school days, which the kids absolutely love! Attending a regular day of school for children, who are usually in an isolated classroom, can be filled with so much excitement. They get to spend time with their much-loved teachers, friends and peers. Traditional school based activities such as school photos; collective music lessons and a sports day on the Friday are all an integral part of Home Tutor week.

There is also the opportunity for the parents and govies to network with each other, and just have a good old fashioned catch-up, something that can be few and far between in the outback. The govies set a night, usually a Thursday, to head out for dinner, have a few drinks and swap schoolroom and station stories. Some come from the bigger stations, that have large numbers of staff others from smaller places where they are the only ones with the family. All in all everyone has a great time sharing aspects of their life, and gaining some great knowledge and helpful tips for school and life in general.

It is important, before I continue too much further, to make the distinction between the term ‘Home Tutor’ and ‘Govie or Governess’. Home Tutor refers to a Mum (or parent) who is teaching her own children, and a Govie or Governess refers to a paid employee who teaches the children on the parent’s behalf.

For the Home Tutors and Govies, the seminar runs on Wednesday and Thursday and usually consists of a keynote speaker and varying workshops that are all based around one central theme. This year’s theme was ‘Foundations’-focusing on the basics of behaviour and emotions all while incorporating self-care and the importance of looking after your needs before others. I found this so enriching, and empowering. As my incredible journey progresses I have become so much more aware of my own needs and have become perfectly capable of creating distance where needed. The chance to gain some one-on-one time with some great teachers and guest-speakers is so important, and having the ability to learn new ideas and take something back to your classroom whether it is behavioural management, technology advice or discovering new aspects of learning to implement in your classroom.

It is interesting to note that the amount of knowledge and growth I have gained in the last two and a half years working and living in North-west QLD has been phenomenal. This has a lot to do with the people that I surround myself with in my everyday life, and the variation in circumstances and experiences I have had. My ability to resolve and process my own emotional problems is a huge one. Also not relying on anyone heavily for anything is something I have learnt. I don’t spend all my time trying to people please anymore. Honestly, it is not feasible. I can’t be there for everything I want to be, and that’s 100% okay. For S and I, this is a huge opportunity, in more than one single way. We are able to financially set ourselves up for the future we want, as well as working on our own strengths and growth mindsets. The skills I am learning inside the classroom and house are things I would never have been able to gain staying put, in the safety of my comfort zone. I have learnt how to survive in circumstances that are out of my control. I have been physically isolated from civilization for weeks at a time, I have learnt how to educate children of varying age groups (including just how much work goes into the basics of reading and writing-which has given a new found appreciation for the work teachers undertake). My job encompasses so many other roles. I have been a cook, a cleaner, a temporary mother, a vet, a govie, a ringer, a gardener, a friend, a wife and so much more. Within all these responsibilities, I have become so much more aware of who I am.

I also want to add that I have one of the most incredible bosses. She has taught me so many things, both indirectly and directly. I have been blessed to be able to gain some very important knowledge and advice from her, and I honestly think that I have grown so much purely because of her guidance.

We grow and we learn, and sometimes the best things in life come from the hardest decisions you could make. I will no longer spend my time justifying my life choices to those around me. It is my life, and I can say I am enjoying every single moment of this crazy life I lead. In all honesty, I don’t think I would change a single thing.