With such a topsy-turvey year, it is hard to believe that it is already October, bordering on November. This year I have tried to write so many times, and it has been more than infuriating. Writing has been so completely off my radar.
I am sure that my life is just ticking away, without so much as a second glance back at the things that have passed.
This year I have grown as a person. I have watched some of the people I love suffer through the most traumatic events, and come out the other side. I have sat helplessly on the sideline, waiting, watching, whilst praying that everything would be okay. The strength exhibited by the women in my life has given me the hope, and ability to get through the every day struggles of my life. Knowing that I couldn’t help in any way. I couldn’t even be in the same state, making it extremely difficult. I wanted to be there so desperately but that choice was not in my hands anymore. I have become stronger, and can only hope that their stories remain with me forever as guidance and examples to follow in times that are trying.
Throughout the year, life has been a series of testing events. Along the way I have learnt some serious life lessons.
This year has been one of the strangest years of my life. With everything that is happening around the world I have been sitting here silently, keeping my words to myself. It has been a year of reflection for me so far. I have learnt that no matter what life throws at me I am stronger than I ever thought capable. I know that this is only the case because some of the strongest and bravest women that I have ever known surround me. I look up to them, even if they are not aware of it. I value their knowledge and words of wisdom.
This year has also taught me that you can’t always help everyone. Some people are doomed to live in a cycle of event that only they can drag themselves from. For those that know me well they will know that I am a giver. I have always been that way. I take people under my wing, I make them feel welcome in my life and my family, and I always help wherever I can. This year I have been stretched to my limit. Unfortunately, the downside of this is that people tend to use you and chuck you away just as easily. My emotional cup is empty. I have given all that I can give to the people around me, and unfortunately some have thrown it back in my face too many times. The time spent on emotionally investing in people’s lives and problems has completely overwhelmed me this year, and honestly, I have run dry. It took me some time to realise that I needed to step away from this. This was something I found extremely difficult, as I care so much about the people in my life. I am honestly mentally exhausted from it all.
This year I have learnt that life really can deal you a bad hand, and that unfortunately can come from those in your inner circle. Those you love and trust the most. So for now, I have distanced myself from being so personally involved, and am focusing on me. My happiness and mental health are extremely important, and I have neglected them in the past, whilst using all my energy to make sure that everyone else is okay. I have decided that it’s my turn to be selfish and focus on me. This also involves a huge amount of guilt, which I have to deal with in my own way.
