A list of complaints, of which I am entitled to complain about, because it is my experience, is something I often reel off when talking to friends or my sister on the phone. I am fully aware that many have it worse off than I do, this does not mean that my experiences are not valid in any sense. One thing that has become apparent throughout this pregnancy is the overwhelming sense that you must enjoy every moment. You should be happy, grateful, overjoyed, fully and completely enveloped in all aspects of just how wonderful being pregnant is. This is true a lot of the time, for a lot of women. But the complete opposite is just as normal too. I have always felt ungrateful and exceptionally guilty for these types of thoughts. Every time I wallow in self-pity about just how hard things are, I am constantly sucked into a guilt-ridden vortex. I should be grateful, I shouldn’t complain. Unfortunately, it isn’t that simple. Women are not being listened to. The toll that growing a life can take on one’s physical and mental health is extraordinary. Because so many women are shut down about their experiences, the blissful, wondrous experiences are the ones that take over. To this I say a huge eff you to society, to those that thinks it’s okay to shame women for talking about how hard they are finding pregnancy. To those that think they can tell me what I should and shouldn’t be doing or eating or that I should be exercising. I am doing this in whatever way works for me. Whatever gets me through each day until the day I finally get to meet you and hold you in my arms. I am growing this baby and I will be the one who decides just how I feel about my journey.
I also want to stress that despite that fact that I have found this difficult, I am grateful to have been able to grow you inside me, been able to keep you safe and well. I am not being ungrateful in any form at all. I know that there are many many women out there who are not able to conceive, or who have lost babies. However, that should not overrule, or be a reason for others not to talk about the not so great experiences they have had with pregnancy. We all deserve to be heard.
In saying all this I know I have been incredibly lucky throughout my pregnancy. Life hasn’t been too difficult in the grand scheme of things. I have not been plagued with any real sickness or illness. Fatigue, to the point where I couldn’t function properly, daily, throughout my first trimester and well into my second trimester is possibly one of the overarching issues I have had. The first trimester is possibly the hardest of them all, because you are trying to act normal and function as per normal, whilst keeping your little babe a secret-if that is your choice. And this is the time when it is just your little precious one and you. The little bubble of knowing that you are growing something so small and only you and your partner know about it is bliss.
Alongside the physical growth of your baby comes the mental side effects. Of which some people suffer hugely, and others not so much. I lost a lot of my mental capacity to function at a normal level. I have spent hours upon hours crying over you. Oh Baby. What will life be like when you are finally here? I have grown you inside of me for months now. Not knowing who you will be and what you will become? Will I be a good parent? Will life be easy or hard? You are a blessing in every sense, but I can’t stop my mind thinking all these things as your arrival comes closer. One thing I have found upon entering the initial stages of becoming a parent, or basically just thinking about being a parent, is the overwhelming fear of becoming the worst sort of parent. I know no one sets out to intentionally be a bad parent, they are only going off what they have been modelled themselves. The fact that all these sorts of things have already gone through my mind, and I haven’t even given birth yet, are somewhat reassuring in a sense. It reminds me that I am already aware of what sort of parent I want to be (whether that goes to plan or not is a different story). More importantly, I am aware of exactly what sort of parent I don’t want to be.
I am incredibly lucky in that I have some excellent models in my life of which I am grateful for. I have had the opportunity to also work within a family whom I believe have been crucial in teaching me some important lessons.
I also have spent a lot of time and energy trying to accept that this journey is something that I will have little control over. This little babe will be running our life for some time, as it will dictate just how we manage day to day activities. A newborn is a whole new world of its own.
And soon there will be 3 of us, not just 2. And I cannot wait to watch you grow and to watch S become a father. Something I know he will be exceptionally good at.
I cannot wait to meet you.
