Month: July 2019

home.

With the mid-year holidays drawing closer, I made the decision to go home to Victoria for a week, to pay a surprise visit to my family and have a little break.

Unfortunately, the “holiday” I thought I was having turned into a week of hectic as hell running around. And by the end of it I was absolutely exhausted. I had something planned every single day I was at home. I squeezed in as much as I possibly could, so I could get around to see everybody. And I wasn’t able to spend as much time as I would have liked to with them all. While others didn’t even make the effort to see me. But you can’t always please everyone. And so many people still found reasons to not make the effort to attend small gatherings, when I was the one who had travelled for over 10 hours to see them. It is so crazy how people’s grudges get in the way of the important things in life. Living so far away hasn’t always made it easy to keep contact with people we used to regularly see. In saying that, I believe that family is family, no matter what crap has happened in the past, and missing an opportunity like that seems a little crazy to me. You just never know what life will throw at you, and how long you have with people.

Going back home was not what I thought it would be at all. It was the strangest feeling though. It wasn’t home at all, and I felt a little out of place being there. I didn’t have a physical home anymore, and stayed with family. For the first time, I felt like my home was truly in Julia Creek. It feels and sounds completely stupid, but my home is wherever S is. I have never felt like I was 100% at home in Queensland until I went home to Victoria for the first time. And so much had changed since I left Victoria. Our farm was a place I didn’t recognize, and more than anything it was a little disappointing how much can change in just 4 months. I am sure that it was only because I hadn’t been there in so long I just didn’t recognise the place. Cattle I had hoped to keep were no longer there, and it broke my heart to not get to say goodbye. My heart ached for the things I had left behind, but that was no longer my life, and I was kind of glad that we had left when we did. We were stuck in a rut, never getting anywhere with our goals, not to mention the constant debt we seemed to have gotten ourselves into. It was almost as if visiting our farm was the final piece to the decision we knew we had to make, and that was the sale of our surplus animals, to be able to get ahead in our lives. The farm was shrouded in darkness, not only literally, because it was raining and overcast, but because it was almost the end of an chapter in our lives that we hadn’t really thought would eventuate so soon. And as I now recall it all, it saddens me thinking of how much we will lose, but in the long run, how much we will gain. I always believed home was a physical place, and in some ways it is. The place you live which is really just a building. It’s the memories and the people that make your ‘home’ a true home. And it took a visit back to my family and friends to realise that my home is wherever S is, and for now, that is in Julia Creek. In saying that, that doesn’t mean I didn’t cry when I left Melbourne, or when I said goodbye to each of my family members. It just means that I will miss them. But I don’t long for ‘home’ anymore, I still do, and always will, long for my family and friends. But I just can’t see my life in any other place right now. And as much as I love my family, I really enjoy living away from it all. Sometimes it makes it all so much easier to stay close, and maintain a healthy relationship with the people in my life.

One thing I have learnt being apart from my family and even my friends is that it really doesn’t matter what happened in the past, or even last week. All the crap you hold onto for years doesn’t actually MATTER. The grudges you use as a reason for not attending events, and not talking to members of the family are pointless, and really, in the end, just leave you bitter. Growing up, I was always taught that my family, especially my sisters E & Z, would be my best friends. And honestly, I thought it was a load of bull at the time. But in the last few years, and more so in the last 6 months, I have realised just how much I rely on them for support, and above all else, sanity. It is not only the fact that they are my sisters, but that they continuously support my crazy life decisions, without the slightest amount of negativity. Family can be the biggest support, as well as the biggest hindrance. And I have had my fair share of ups and downs with my family over the years, but we always seem to come back together in the end. But what a weird thing families are. The way things come together and fall apart. And in my life I am grateful for my family every day. I never thought that my life would lead me away from them, and in some ways I have left a huge hole in their lives, but they will always have me to keep them together, and to be that rock, even if I am 3000km away.

from then to now.

It’s crazy how fast the time goes by, before you know about it you’ve been settled in a place for months, with a whole new outlook on your life. And at times I still wonder what the heck you would isolate yourself from the people you love and need for. But it’s definitely the love of the land, and the love of the life that makes it all worth it in the end.

Am I certain that this life is for me? Hell no! But as I write this, after a long weekend away, with friends, I remember why I am here. And the love that I now have for Outback Queensland.

Life on a station isn’t always what you sign up for. There’s long days and weeks, extreme heat, and a hell of a lot of manual labour. It is astounding to think that you would choose this life, but so many people do, ie S and myself. My role on station is as the “Governess”, the tutor, for the kids, in grade 2, 4 and 6. My role extends much further than this. I have learnt that as their Govie, I am also another role model, mentor, and influencer in these young lives. The kids live 400km from their school, and being their educator is so much more than purely teaching them. I have also basically become another member of their family, a friend,  someone who is at home in a complete strangers house. Although all of this is true, I still have days in which I struggle, for no apparent reason at all. I have cried through my lunch break, and even sought peace and solace in our schoolroom toilet.  I don’t know how I get through some days, but at the end of my work day, when each of the kids gives me that hug that I needed, or comes to visit me in the last hours of daylight to tell me something that seems so minute, I remember why I am doing this all, and that always brings me comfort.

I have done way more than I ever though I would do in my job as “Governess” and I don’t know if it is because our station isn’t fortunate enough to be fully staffed at the moment, or that I get to go out on weekends with S on lick and water runs. These are my favourite type of things to do, get out and see the country and the cattle. Making my experience here a little more worth while.

The first few months on station were literally hell! I had no idea what I was doing, or how I could live so isolated. And the worst part of all is that you never leave work. You live with the people you work with, and never really leave that work housing complex. You become almost trapped in a world that you don’t really know, like or even understand. And somehow it all begins to develop into something entirely new and wonderful. In the last month our relationship with our boss, and the family, has developed from what it used to be. And in the most positive way too.  It is the weirdest thing I have ever experienced, but you have to earn your place in the family you live and work for. You have to prove to them that you are worth their love, and within that you become another member of their family. But honestly, this wasn’t something that I expected to have to deal with. And it is hard.

But I am so so lucky to have been able to enjoy being in an area that is very socially connected, and there is always something to do each weekend. I am also super lucky to have met some incredible friends, who also love being social, maybe a little too much sometimes! But in all honesty, I wouldn’t be able to get through the hard days, let alone function as a normal human being, without their continual support. It is incredible how welcomed I have been into this community, especially from other Govies in the area. And I am more than certain that these girls are one of the many reasons that I have lasted so long on our station. The acceptance and love that we have been given is incredible. And to think that after all this time, I have a new home, and even a new family. I believe that it is so important to have those kind of people surrounding you. And in all these new aspects of my life, I had become a part of a new family, made up of friends, new work mates and even our own little family.

And sometimes the worst part about this life, especially for me, is that I am a chronic overthinker. I constantly over analyse my entire life, and the decisions I’ve made. But for me now, I know that there is no place I would rather be. My life is amazing, and I am growing into someone that I never thought I would be. I can’t imagine life on any other station, with any other group of people.