The trip home over the wet made things all very hard again. I have so much going on within my family that I felt like I was abandoning them. The tears were hard to hold back as we ventured off once again to Queensland. It was something that I really struggled with personally this time, as I feel like I am taking for granted some of the time I have with my loved ones. I feel slightly selfish for being so far away from them all, but at the same time, I love what I do, and I think I work for one of the best families. My kids are great, and they really do love me. Somehow I will always have a small piece missing when I am up here, and my family are all the way down there. I still wonder whether we are making the right decision, but then I remember that it is probably one of the best decisions we have made in our whole life.
“He who is not courageous enough to take risks will
accomplish nothing in life.” -Muhammad Ali
It has been a while between writings, and I feel a little out of sorts getting back into it all. Our second year on station started earlier than expected, so we could manage everything while the family was away taking the oldest to boarding school in Townsville. We prayed and prayed for rain, hoping that with it would come a good season, and the family could have an extended holiday. Which they so desperately needed and deserved.
And it sure did deliver. The rain came late one Friday afternoon, bringing with it the oncoming isolation of which I had never before experienced. ‘Cabin fever’ is a popular term for the relatively common reaction to being isolated in the one place for a long period of time. And for me this happened suddenly and it was one of the most bizzare, and completely insane moments of my life. Never before had I been stuck, with no option but to stay in that place. I was physically cut of from any form of society. S and I only saw each others faces for 3 weeks, and to be honest we definitely got sick of each other. It started out fun, we would do the jobs we needed to, then spend the day looking at the country flourish in the wet.
It was so beautiful watching the transformation of the land, with only the slight amount of rain received. But it didn’t stop. It just kept raining. The rain stopped for several days, and there was a glimmer of hope that we would get out, but then it just rained again. And it was in the last week that it truly hit me. I had basically become a huge emotional mess, which is unusual for me really. I have to have a very good reason to be emotional about my life. And for anyone reading this, thinking how ridiculous it must be to be on this crazy level of emotions, I just want you to think about being trapped in your own home, with no face-to-face contact with anyone else, except your partner and your dog. Now this might seem like a dream to some people, but in reality, it is actually super isolating and incredibly lonely. And the fact that you actually have no option but to stay where you are is the key thing in this scenario. You do not have the option to leave at any point (unless you want to pay $400/hour for a helicopter to take you somewhere). And this all got too much one day and I just imploded. And for that hour, I was the person sitting in the corner, crying and rocking myself, wondering how the f***k I had gotten myself into this situation. What was I thinking, and why had I agreed to caretake over the wet. Well, with that I started to calm myself, and I am so lucky to have such supportive sisters, Z and E, to get me through. Anxiety had hit the roof and I was a complete and utter mess. And after that day, I felt it all get better. The week leading up to the complete breakdown was full of negativity about anything and everything. And the week after was filled with new perspectives on my life.
And with slowing of the rain, the family returned to Bunda, and everything seemed to fall back into its original place. My job returned to normal, teaching 2 little rabbits, and I became my usual self. Isn’t it funny how strong you are, until you are faced with something completely out of the ordinary that tests your entire being. For all that I went through personally, my mental health is stronger, but I have never felt to vulnerable in my entire life. And to be honest, I hope I don’t ever have to feel that sort of fragility again.
