With the mid-year holidays drawing closer, I made the decision to go home to Victoria for a week, to pay a surprise visit to my family and have a little break.
Unfortunately, the “holiday” I thought I was having turned into a week of hectic as hell running around. And by the end of it I was absolutely exhausted. I had something planned every single day I was at home. I squeezed in as much as I possibly could, so I could get around to see everybody. And I wasn’t able to spend as much time as I would have liked to with them all. While others didn’t even make the effort to see me. But you can’t always please everyone. And so many people still found reasons to not make the effort to attend small gatherings, when I was the one who had travelled for over 10 hours to see them. It is so crazy how people’s grudges get in the way of the important things in life. Living so far away hasn’t always made it easy to keep contact with people we used to regularly see. In saying that, I believe that family is family, no matter what crap has happened in the past, and missing an opportunity like that seems a little crazy to me. You just never know what life will throw at you, and how long you have with people.
Going back home was not what I thought it would be at all. It was the strangest feeling though. It wasn’t home at all, and I felt a little out of place being there. I didn’t have a physical home anymore, and stayed with family. For the first time, I felt like my home was truly in Julia Creek. It feels and sounds completely stupid, but my home is wherever S is. I have never felt like I was 100% at home in Queensland until I went home to Victoria for the first time. And so much had changed since I left Victoria. Our farm was a place I didn’t recognize, and more than anything it was a little disappointing how much can change in just 4 months. I am sure that it was only because I hadn’t been there in so long I just didn’t recognise the place. Cattle I had hoped to keep were no longer there, and it broke my heart to not get to say goodbye. My heart ached for the things I had left behind, but that was no longer my life, and I was kind of glad that we had left when we did. We were stuck in a rut, never getting anywhere with our goals, not to mention the constant debt we seemed to have gotten ourselves into. It was almost as if visiting our farm was the final piece to the decision we knew we had to make, and that was the sale of our surplus animals, to be able to get ahead in our lives. The farm was shrouded in darkness, not only literally, because it was raining and overcast, but because it was almost the end of an chapter in our lives that we hadn’t really thought would eventuate so soon. And as I now recall it all, it saddens me thinking of how much we will lose, but in the long run, how much we will gain. I always believed home was a physical place, and in some ways it is. The place you live which is really just a building. It’s the memories and the people that make your ‘home’ a true home. And it took a visit back to my family and friends to realise that my home is wherever S is, and for now, that is in Julia Creek. In saying that, that doesn’t mean I didn’t cry when I left Melbourne, or when I said goodbye to each of my family members. It just means that I will miss them. But I don’t long for ‘home’ anymore, I still do, and always will, long for my family and friends. But I just can’t see my life in any other place right now. And as much as I love my family, I really enjoy living away from it all. Sometimes it makes it all so much easier to stay close, and maintain a healthy relationship with the people in my life.
One thing I have learnt being apart from my family and even my friends is that it really doesn’t matter what happened in the past, or even last week. All the crap you hold onto for years doesn’t actually MATTER. The grudges you use as a reason for not attending events, and not talking to members of the family are pointless, and really, in the end, just leave you bitter. Growing up, I was always taught that my family, especially my sisters E & Z, would be my best friends. And honestly, I thought it was a load of bull at the time. But in the last few years, and more so in the last 6 months, I have realised just how much I rely on them for support, and above all else, sanity. It is not only the fact that they are my sisters, but that they continuously support my crazy life decisions, without the slightest amount of negativity. Family can be the biggest support, as well as the biggest hindrance. And I have had my fair share of ups and downs with my family over the years, but we always seem to come back together in the end. But what a weird thing families are. The way things come together and fall apart. And in my life I am grateful for my family every day. I never thought that my life would lead me away from them, and in some ways I have left a huge hole in their lives, but they will always have me to keep them together, and to be that rock, even if I am 3000km away.
