The first few weeks were bliss. We had managed to finally pick up breastfeeding, after some early troubles and tears from the both of us. We had found our groove. We were off, and I was so happy. I had hoped that we would be able to do it and had been told that the first 2 weeks are the hardest, if you can get through that you can definitely do it. I always kept this in mind when we were finding it exceptionally difficult. You were amazing, such a beautiful, happy bub.
We had taken you home from the hospital back to the house we were staying in in Townsville. We had started to settle into life there. Despite being sore from birth and exhausted, we kept going. You fed well, you slept well and you were just perfect. We had visitors in the first few days, including my Mum and sister, E. It was so lovely to have that time, especially in the beginning. We went on lots of adventures with Miss A at the beginning. We went to the shops and even went for a cocktail lunch at the Ville. S had told me that there was no point being cooped up, we may as well get out with her and enjoy things while we were in Townsville for the few weeks. He was right (if only had remembered that when we got home).
We had a newborn photo session with Miss A, and after a few more days we ventured home to Bunda with her. She was 10 days old by this stage and it was the Easter weekend. She handled the 7 hour drive home like a little champ and we started to settle back in to life in our little cottage at Bunda.
We had so many visitors over the first few months, and Miss A was so good about it all. She loved the company and meeting new people. Life seemed to be going well. I however struggled with the influx of people in our small space, it was great that people visited, but it was exceptionally overwhelming. It became difficult when Miss A hit her 4 month sleep regression, and cried a lot, did very little sleeping, and we were all so exhausted. This was extremely trying. I thought it would get better. It in fact got worse.
And out of the blue one day, I realised that I had entered this vicious cycle of self-hate and constant disappointment in myself and my ability to parent my own child. I hated it all. I woke up each day, dreading the day ahead. I had become so obsessed with her sleep, and how long she would sleep during the day, because she wasn’t fitting the mould. She had gone from an amazing all round sleeper to a really shitty day time sleeper. Night times were still good, and she had begun to sleep through the night. Which made things difficult. Any time I spoke to someone about how much of a terrible day time sleeper she was, but she slept through the night, their first response was “at least it’s not the night time” or “you can put up with that”. Which I found so invalidating. The hardest part was there was absolutely no break during the day. She would sleep for half an hour and 15 minutes of that was with me holding her. So no, it doesn’t matter at what point of the day your baby does not sleep, it is still hard.
This period of anxiety and depressive episodes was fuelled by the loneliness of becoming a mother and the pressure of becoming a mother determined to break the cycle of generational trauma. It lasted for several weeks, possibly even months.
Each day had become harder than the last. I wasn’t coping with S being away for work. We fought a lot, and often. It was beyond crazy. I was envious that his life hadn’t changed and mine had become so unimportant. But to Miss A, I was her whole world. And I lost sight of that. I lost a lot of time, and I wish I could get it back, but unfortunately, I can’t. The guilt associated with that will stay with me for a long time.
In this instance I am so thankful I had the foresight to ensure my mental health would be looked after prior to giving birth. I saw a psychologist twice prior to birth and was prepared for the toll having a baby would have on my mental health. I honestly can say I have no shame in speaking with a psychologist on a regular basis. I will always advocate for mental health, as it is vital to look after your mental health just as much as your physical health. My own ability for self-reflection also allows me to unpack my own actions and those around me. Allowing me the ability to understand things a little better. We could all benefit from speaking to a psychologist at some point in our life.
It wasn’t until I pulled myself out of the pit that I had been stuck in that things got better. I had been constantly googling, constantly questioning all my decisions. One day whilst having conversation with my boss about how much I was struggling with it all, she told me that it doesn’t matter. All the crap about wake windows, and how your baby should go to sleep at this time etc etc is all so dangerous. “How does your baby know it’s 7pm?” she said. And wasn’t she right. How does your baby know it’s 7pm and she should be in bed? How does she know she has been awake for exactly 2 hours and should magically be ready to go to sleep? With that I realised that the entire sleep industry for babies is a scam. It is fear mongering at its finest. They prey on mums who are doubting themselves, mums who haven’t been around babies a lot. Which happens a lot nowadays, as there are smaller family groups and less involvement in family raising. Wow. I had let myself be told by complete strangers on the internet that I didn’t know what I was doing with my own baby. I had let them tell me there was a mould she was meant to fit, and that there was something wrong with me and my baby. What a joke?! I am forever grateful for the wisdom and confidence in being a mother that she has. It has given me the confidence to take my own lead, and I honestly hope that I can be half the mum that she is. She is an exceptional mother and I am truely grateful to have her in my life.
A vale had lifted and I had realised just how big you had grown and how beautiful you truely are. A happy content bub, who just needed her mum. Each day got a little bit easier and I had finally accepted you for who you were and not what you should be. You are perfection Miss A. I had realised just how bad ass I was. I had not only grown a whole human, I had birthed her, and subsequently fed her from my body for 4 months already. She was thriving and I was an absolute goddess! What an incredible feeling, knowing that I had done this, my body had kept her alive, and she was thriving. I had reached heights I never thought possible for myself.
If there is any advice I can give to new mums, it would be to follow your babies lead. Don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t know what is best for you and your baby. Follow your babies lead and intervene where necessary. Ask for help if you need it, don’t be ashamed to ask someone in your life, that you trust for help, or just to vent to them about how hard your day has been, because it is bloody hard being a mum. Also, it really does get better. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but it does. Just hang in there.
And always remember, you are your baby’s whole world and you are doing an amazing job.
